Week 5

I've had a pretty great week, all in all. I cooked and cooked and cooked. Some recipes were awesome, and some were the most vile thing I've ever tasted. The worst one was a paleo shepards pie. It was terrible, mostly because instead of using mashed potatoes, I tried my hand at mashing cauliflower and using that as a substitute.

It was awful. Smelled terrible, tasted gross, and basically ruined the entire dish. I had 1/4 of it and tossed the rest of it out. I considered throwing everything but the cauliflower into a soup, but that didn't work either. I really feel terrible for wasting food, but unfortunately I had to. And I learned an important lesson: Cauliflower is evil. It's the devil's food. I'm never using it for anything again. Ever. Which is too bad because cauliflower is a base in a lot of paleo meals. Oh well, I gave it a shot.

In other news, I've got to start preparing for when I go home for Christmas. It's easy for me to get offtrack during the holidays (Thanksgiving threw me off for a few days), and I can't afford to loose a week, not after all the progress I've made.

Besides that I'll have to cook a few specialty meals for myself when I'm home, I'll have to figure out how to exercise. I don't have any winter workout gear that fits right now, and I'm a real wuss when it comes to running outside during the winter.  Pilates maybe? Walking on the treadmill? Not sure yet.

Onto the goal for this week:

Eat breakfast at home.

I'm super bad at this. I usually skip breakfast entirely or get something reasonably unhealthy when I get to work. So I'll try making a quish or something every morning. Maybe some tea.

Weight: 218 (I've lost over 10 pounds in a month. And finally hit under the 220 mark. Finally!)

Week 4 (sort of)

So behind on this...so very behind.

Week 4:

I joined my gym. Luckily I still live in the same city as my alma mater, and I get an alumni discount. Also, I can join at different times, and not have any of those pesky year long contracts or whatever. I pay for however many months I want up front, and I can renew or not. Usually, I only use the gym during the winter months, since I love running outside. Plus, my college's gym is delightful. Huge windows, plenty of group classes, and an indoor running track, among many other things. I simply love going to that gym.

Along with signing up for the membership, I've been cooking almost daily. I haven't been out to eat in about a week, and though I've had a few complete messes (beef goulash...no, never again. Ever), there's been more than a fair share of successes (who knew you could make 'mashed potatoes' out of cauliflower? And that using lettuce cups instead of tortillas somehow makes tacos more delicious? And that after you make a bunch of pesto sauce out of kale, you can FREEZE it in ice cube trays to use for later?? Amazing things you learn when cooking.)

I've been using a lot of paleo recipes, and although I'm not sticking to it 100%, I've had less heartburn and (as long as I stay away from the wine...gosh I love wine) I'm sleeping better and practically deflating in size. 

It almost makes giving up wine worth it.

Almost.

Week 2 Recap

Goal: To meditate for 5 minutes a day, and to not smoke and not drink on weekdays

Grade: F-

I did horrible this week. I visited my sister for a few days and played with my twin nephews for hours and hours. It was awesome, but I kinda ditched my goals this week.

On the plus side, I was running around and chasing after 2 toddlers, so it was a lot of exercising! And I didn't smoke a lot or drink a lot either, just a beer or two. So I guess that wasn't so bad.

But I don't know what my problem is with meditating; I know the benefits of it and I know it's good for me. I just don't try hard enough.  I don't set aside 5 friggin minutes for me to just pause and breathe. 

For week 3:

Goal: Continue previous week goals, work out 4 times this week.

Weight: 222.5

Week 1 Recap

I'm a bit early with this, but I won't have the ability to post tomorrow, and I can't get behind.  So, Week 1:

Goal: To not smoke or drink on weekdays

Grade: B-

I broke both of these rules actually. As far as smoking, I only had 3 cigarettes, and that was on Thursday...because I had 2 Manhattans (delicious!!) but I forgot to eat dinner. Oops.  Drinking too much causes me to make bad decisions about my health and forget the hard work I've done. I had been doing so well (I had a drink on Tuesday but that didn't throw me off, I still woke up the next morning and worked out), so I overdid it a little. A few glasses of wine after the Manhattans and Friday I woke up with a massive hangover. Because of that hangover, I treated Friday as a 'cheat' day and really didn't eat healthy. I paid for that too.

However, on the good side, I worked out 3 times this week (I haven't run since last July), two of those times were before work. I never work out before work. I've never been able to do it.  So that's a pretty big win for me.

This morning was rough though. I felt bloated and gross from my 'cheat' day, and my 'run' was embarrassing. I've been following the Couch to 5k plan on my phone (I love it because it's free, easy, and takes you the whole way without prompting you to buy the rest of the plan after week 1. And it works for android and iphones), and though it starts easy, today was a terrible workout.  I ended it 5 minutes early, and even walked through a few sections where I was supposed to run(I say run because I hate the term 'jog'. It makes me feel like I'm not pushing myself hard enough. If you're going as fast as you can, whether it's a 7min/mi or a 15min/mi, you're running).

I probably shouldn't have weighed myself before the run. Huge mistake.  But at least I got out there and didn't make excuses.  And even though I had a mini-breakdown during my workout, 20 minutes after I got home I felt better. I felt less bloated and happier. Endorphins rule!

So, I feel like I did more this week than just try to quit smoking and not drink...because I ran, and I ate healthier. That counts for extra credit in my book.

So, Week 2:

Goal: Continue goal from Week 1; & meditate for 5 minutes a day.

Weight: 228

If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up

Sunday I woke up with a smokers hangover...plus a regular, red wine hangover.  I had a vague memory of smoking and drinking while playing video games, listening to sad music, and thinking a lot of bitter thoughts about my ex husband.

I smelled it when I woke up. Even though I'd left the window open all night I knew it would take days to clear out. I woke up coughing and it didn't stop for hours.  I don't have what's known as the 'smokers cough,' but that morning I did...which meant I had gone through A LOT of cigarettes.

The really good thing about overdoing it the night before is feeling like you never want to drink or smoke again. Unfortunately that feeling only lasts about half a day for me, just when it starts getting dark again. Then it's time to have that cigarette, even though I don't really feel like having it...just because I know I won't be quitting today or tomorrow...I might as well.

Well, I stopped the cycle on Sunday. No cigarettes or alcohol since (I am trying out e-cigarettes though. Quitting cold turkey is really difficult for me. I could go days or even weeks without having a cigarette, but once something really frustrating or hurtful happens I forget how much progress I've made, buy a pack and light up. The cycle continues).  I'm not a huge fan of how the e-cigarettes taste. Which I hope will be a good thing. I need to do something with my fingers, and the occasional hit of nicotine.

I've been thinking of ways to make myself feel happier. I finally took the step of removing anything and everything that reminded me of my ex (for someone who left the marriage with nothing I seemed to carry a lot of mementos) and stuffed them into a box in the back of my closet. I bought new sheets and tossed the old ones. I finished 'redecorating' on Saturday night and promptly had a breakdown, lamenting all the time I had wasted and how little I was left with, nothing to show for all my troubles.

On Sunday morning, I looked around my apartment and realized that everything I could see was mine, and most of those things I acquired after I finally left. It wasn't much, but it was mine.

And it was intoxicating.  It's no coincidence that I was able to make my first step towards breaking the cycle that day. I hadn't realized how much I needed a space where I wasn't being constantly reminded of a negative time in my life.

I allowed myself to be nice to me.

So, this is me. Starting over, not giving up, and most importantly: being nice to myself.

Week 1: Continue to not smoke. Do not drink during weekdays.

Baby steps

I have a few tell-tale habits when I decide that, 'This time, I really mean it when I say I'm going to get healthy and exercise and go totally hardcore. Then, I'll have the body I've always wanted."

Usually, I'll say this the night before I plan on going for a run at 6am(even though I was stuck tending bar until 1am and I'm used to getting up at 7:30). Then I'll have a 'last meal;' something unhealthy of course, because I won't be eating that kind of junk again until I've reached my ideal goal.

Note: At no point in my life have I ever gotten up for a run at 6am unless my dog was whining at me to take him out.

I've also convinced myself to shell out money for a gym membership even though I hate gyms.

In the past 2 years, I've spent more time reading Runners World than actually running.

I've bought clothes that I didn't quite fit into as 'motivation.'

The list goes on...

 I start too big. My goals are unrealistic and almost unattainable unless I had the willpower of stone. I focused on big changes that had to start right now, and I wouldn't allow myself to slip. Except I would, very quickly, and as soon as I slipped I'd fall a little further back then where I started.

'If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.'
-Jack Dixon

Ever since I read this quote, I've been trying to prove Mr. Dixon wrong. And Mr. Dixon('s quote) has kicked my sorry butt up and down the treadmill time and time again.

So let's start small this time. One challenge per week. Keep adding to that and see how I can become healthier. Some challenges will be bigger than others, but once a week I will be trying something new.