Focus on the bigger picture

I'm going on vacation next week. On a cruise. To Puerto Rico. I planned this vacation months and months ago, and I've been so stressed on getting into amazing shape and looking great that I couldn't get excited about the actual vacation. I had a goal to be 30 pounds lighter for this vacation than I actually am at the moment. And that was stressing me out so much that I almost forgot all about the actual vacation. 


As if people who are overweight can't have fun on a cruise. Ridiculous, right?

I'm getting healthy. I haven't been drinking very much at all, I've cut down on smoking a lot, I've been eating better and I haven't hurt myself in a week. Considering where I was 2 months ago, I did a 180 and I should be super proud of myself. And I am. I just need to stop focusing on my size and what I'm not 100% great at (i.e. cooking for myself and going to the gym regularly), and instead look at my accomplishments and being happy for myself.

So, I'm not at my ideal state. Who on earth is? I plan on enjoying the hell out of this vacation, having a ton of fun, and taking tons of pictures.

And I'm going to start by buying some fun clothes looking forward to a few days when I'm going to be in the sun, getting a tan, and rewarding myself for the amount of work I've put in to get myself to this place, and to forget about all the shit I've had to go through the past few years.

Happy Pi Day!

Friday finally!  Glorious!

Still going strong with the whole 'no alcohol' thing. Plus, I've been cooking some excellent plaeo meals, and going to the gym more often and with less of a struggle. I'm feeling great, lost a few pounds and I'm fitting into some clothes I hadn't fit into since before my hospitalization. I'm still tempted to pick up some wine after a rough day at work, but a) usually I'm too exhausted to think about walking to the store and getting a bottle...I'm just so spent lately and I'm not sure why, b) I'm essentially gorging myself on seltzer water. Carbonated water...I love it!

And I had a pretty interesting phone call yesterday, I'll have more details next week.

Basically, I'm feeling pretty good. Also, I did my taxes yesterday and it looks like I'm getting a pretty decent refund. REFUND. I haven't gotten a refund since before I married Sean. (turns out you get a refund when you're not working a second job that relies mostly on tips) So in the next few days, goodbye credit card debt! I'll still have to pay all the hospital bills (I finally hit my out of pocket maximum of $2,500, hopefully that'll be it), but at least I can pay those off gradually without interest. And getting rid of credit card debt is going to be such a weight off my shoulders. I've been trying to pay that thing off for years. Finally!

Weight: 208 (my goal is to be under 199 before the cruise in 2 weeks. It's attainable)

5 days and counting

I'm gonna sound like an alcoholic here. No way around it. I don't think I am, but others tell me that's up for debate.

Anyway, it's 5 days into lent, and I successfully got through the weekend without drinking or really being tempted to drink. And it was kind of amazing. It's great to wake up on a Saturday or Sunday without sleeping in because of your hangover. It was great to just get out of my house before noon, and do errands all day, rather than hiding in my apartment because I always feel crazy anxious the day after I've had a bit too much. That's actually a physical response rather than a mental one. It's the body trying to fight back against the sedative effects on the central nervous system caused by drinking, so it can cause a state of hyperactivity, causing nervousness for no reason.  For once my broken brain isn't to blame!

Anyway, it was kinda tough on Friday and Saturday night, trying to figure out what in the hell I was gonna do with my evening if I couldn't get a little buzz on. It was especially harder after I got into a 'fight' with my ex. But I stuck to it and kept myself busy. I cooked, I knitted (for a project for my church and the Boston marathon), and I smoked. Yeah, I know...not the healthiest way for me to pass the time, but if I was giving up one vice I was gonna be damned if I had to give up another. I also ate ice cream. ICE CREAM! That's when I know I'm struggling. I only eat ice cream if I really, really feel the need to treat myself.

But hey, in the end, that's how you gotta do it. You have to treat yourself and be kind to yourself if you're trying to make a change, especially if it's not an easy one. It took me a long, long time to learn that lesson, because apparently I'm pretty thick.

And I feel great today. I feel less heavy and I didn't have any nervousness over the weekend, and that's a great way to be. I got a ton of things done and I have more energy to address the things I need to do this week (example: Taxes. ugh).

Bye Bye Booze

I don't really do Lent . Not for religious reasons anyway. I understand  the whole point of it and it's a lot more than just 'giving up something' for 40 days. I just don't really do it. However, every year I'll give myself a challenge for health reasons.

Although I have to be careful because I have a tenancy of getting carried away. Example: 6 months after I had finally gotten back on track after being anorexic and bulimic for a really horrible 2 years, I thought it would be a good idea to give up bread (Atkins was pretty popular at the time). Within 2 weeks of Lent and giving up bread, I was suddenly giving up a lot of other things...other food things. Luckily I had some friends who saw this and convinced me to give up on Lent that year so I didn't whither into a toothpick. Since then, I haven't given up anything food related for Lent . My broken brain just can't handle it. I think other years I've tried meditating every day, or not swearing (I'm a lady with the mouth of a seasoned sailor), etc.

This year, I gave up alcohol. I'm hoping that after Lent, I won't want to use it to distract myself from my problems. I was drinking a lot more after I got out of the hospital. And hey, it'll be good for my liver. Everybody wins! (Well, technically I just win...but many different parts of me win)