Tuesday, October 29, 2013

If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up

Sunday I woke up with a smokers hangover...plus a regular, red wine hangover.  I had a vague memory of smoking and drinking while playing video games, listening to sad music, and thinking a lot of bitter thoughts about my ex husband.

I smelled it when I woke up. Even though I'd left the window open all night I knew it would take days to clear out. I woke up coughing and it didn't stop for hours.  I don't have what's known as the 'smokers cough,' but that morning I did...which meant I had gone through A LOT of cigarettes.

The really good thing about overdoing it the night before is feeling like you never want to drink or smoke again. Unfortunately that feeling only lasts about half a day for me, just when it starts getting dark again. Then it's time to have that cigarette, even though I don't really feel like having it...just because I know I won't be quitting today or tomorrow...I might as well.

Well, I stopped the cycle on Sunday. No cigarettes or alcohol since (I am trying out e-cigarettes though. Quitting cold turkey is really difficult for me. I could go days or even weeks without having a cigarette, but once something really frustrating or hurtful happens I forget how much progress I've made, buy a pack and light up. The cycle continues).  I'm not a huge fan of how the e-cigarettes taste. Which I hope will be a good thing. I need to do something with my fingers, and the occasional hit of nicotine.

I've been thinking of ways to make myself feel happier. I finally took the step of removing anything and everything that reminded me of my ex (for someone who left the marriage with nothing I seemed to carry a lot of mementos) and stuffed them into a box in the back of my closet. I bought new sheets and tossed the old ones. I finished 'redecorating' on Saturday night and promptly had a breakdown, lamenting all the time I had wasted and how little I was left with, nothing to show for all my troubles.

On Sunday morning, I looked around my apartment and realized that everything I could see was mine, and most of those things I acquired after I finally left. It wasn't much, but it was mine.

And it was intoxicating.  It's no coincidence that I was able to make my first step towards breaking the cycle that day. I hadn't realized how much I needed a space where I wasn't being constantly reminded of a negative time in my life.

I allowed myself to be nice to me.

So, this is me. Starting over, not giving up, and most importantly: being nice to myself.

Week 1: Continue to not smoke. Do not drink during weekdays.

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