Sunday I woke up with a smokers hangover...plus a regular, red wine hangover. I had a vague memory of smoking and drinking while playing video games, listening to sad music, and thinking a lot of bitter thoughts about my ex husband.
I smelled it when I woke up. Even
though I'd left the window open all night I knew it would take days to
clear out. I woke up coughing and it didn't stop for hours. I don't
have what's known as the 'smokers cough,' but that morning I did...which meant I had gone through A LOT of cigarettes.
really good thing about overdoing it the night before is feeling like
you never want to drink or smoke again. Unfortunately that feeling only
lasts about half a day for me, just when it starts getting dark again.
Then it's time to have that cigarette, even though I don't really feel
like having it...just because I know I won't be quitting today or
tomorrow...I might as well.
Well, I stopped the cycle
on Sunday. No cigarettes or alcohol since (I am trying out e-cigarettes
though. Quitting cold turkey is really difficult for me. I could go days
or even weeks without having a cigarette, but once something really
frustrating or hurtful happens I forget how much progress I've made, buy
a pack and light up. The cycle continues). I'm not a huge fan of how
the e-cigarettes taste. Which I hope will be a good thing. I need to do
something with my fingers, and the occasional hit of nicotine.
I've been thinking of ways to make myself feel happier. I finally took the step of removing anything and everything that reminded me of my ex (for someone who left the marriage with nothing I seemed to carry a lot of mementos) and stuffed them into a box in the back of my closet. I bought new sheets and tossed the old ones. I finished 'redecorating' on Saturday night and promptly had a breakdown, lamenting all the time I had wasted and how little I was left with, nothing to show for all my troubles.
On Sunday morning, I looked around my apartment and realized that everything I could see was mine, and most of those things I acquired after I finally left. It wasn't much, but it was mine.
And it was intoxicating. It's no coincidence that I was able to make my first step towards breaking the cycle that day. I hadn't realized how much I needed a space where I wasn't being constantly reminded of a negative time in my life.
I allowed myself to be nice to me.
So, this is me. Starting over, not giving up, and most importantly: being nice to myself.
Week 1: Continue to not smoke. Do not drink during weekdays.