Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Obsessing and letting go

Originally, I meant for this blog to be focused on physical healthiness, since in the past 2 years I blew up like a balloon and currently weigh more than I ever thought possible. I thought if I could get my physical body in shape, that would be good enough for me, all I needed to be balanced and healthy. Controlling my weight has been a sort of addiction throughout my life; I look back at the diaries I had from when I was younger and I obsessed over my weight and how I looked. I had another blog and all I talked about was my obsession with food, and running, and I realized how much I was beating myself up over not being 'disciplined' enough.

Keep in mind, I never was an all star athlete. I didn't do sports in high school and my family was never very 'active.' Occasionally we went on bike rides or my Dad and I would walk along the peanut line near our house. My mom was overweight, and I don't think my dad ever let her forget it. He was supportive of her being healthy but in all the wrong ways. So I must have learned subconsciously that being 'thin' was a good thing, and I never learned that being 'strong' or 'healthy' were the best reasons to be in shape.

But, being healthy is more than physical health. It's mental and spiritual health as well. Kind of like what 'being sober' is to anyone who's gone to an AA meeting. I learned the difference between 'clean' and 'sober' a month ago when I got committed to a mental institution.

Being clean means getting the toxins out of your body, whether it be alcohol, nicotine, drugs, or any other unnatural element that got you addicted in the first place. Being sober means being healthy in mind, body and soul.  I always thought being 'clean & sober' was just something you said. But it's really a bigger process than I thought.  It's amazing how much you can learn when you're placed in a totally different situation than you've ever experienced.

I can't talk about the institution now; maybe I will after more time has passed. Right now, I just want to get healthy, or 'sober.' I've spent the last few weekends hiding in my apartment and praying no one called me or texted me so I could just fall to pieces in private.

I need to be more than just physically healthy, which means doing a lot of things differently. I'm going to finally stop beating myself up for not doing enough. I'm going to think better of myself. I have this illness that I have to take seriously; because it's hard to admit that I don't have a serious problem when I can't even open my email because I'm too anxious about what an email from a stranger or my best friend might say. (seriously, I have 43 messages in my inbox, and I usually have 2) I just wish I had a professional to talk to about my anxiety, since my 'de-panic' meds make me dizzy and sleepy, and my therapist dropped me after I told her about my time in the psych ward.

So, here goes.

Yesterday: I didn't drink or hurt myself. I woke up without any fresh scars, and that's a start.

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