Friday, May 9, 2014

Just keep running

So it seems like taking 2 days off of running is a bad idea for me (I did cross training one day, total rest the next). I'm not sure if I was just getting the runner's high and that made me feel better, of if my downward swing in mood was for other reasons(perhaps it was just an episode of hypomania?). But I'm gonna blame my not running for 2 days.

Yeah, I said hypomania.  I've been entertaining the possibility that I might be bipolar. My old doctor hinted at it, but didn't really do anything about it before she dropped me because I was too difficult for her to deal with after my hospitalization. So, there's that. And I'm not seeing any more doctors, so I probably won't get a proper diagnosis. Some might think that isn't a smart idea. I think it's the best idea I've had in awhile. I get to monitor my moods, in detail, take proper notes and take care of myself in the way that I see best. Plus, I'm not going to get shuffled on and off a cocktail of medications that will disrupt my life as I wait to 'see if they work.' Fuck that. Plus, not seeing a doctor means I won't just get dropped without a safety net (my last 3 psychologists and psychiatrists basically told me that I had to stop seeing them, and didn't give me any help to find a new doctor).  Win win I think.

I'm not saying anything negative about medication though. Medication made my life easier for awhile, and I was willing to try a whole bunch of meds to see what worked. But I'm tired of it. I'm tired of exhausting myself and getting nothing in return. I'm tired of meds that work for years and then just randomly stop working. I'm tired of the side effects that are endless and unpredictable, even when you stop taking the drugs. So, I'm done. I'm done with doctors who violated their ethical oath to do no harm. I'm tired of telling someone my life details and basically just getting affirmation that I'm doing things correctly and I just need to be nice to myself. I don't need to sit in an office for an hour and pay a copay for that. I can do that on my own, thanks. I have the internet.

The only time I've ever spoken to a doctor and it really helped was when they had a vested interest in my well being. My aunt gave me more help in 2 days than most therapist did over years of sessions.

Anyway, about last night.

Last night sucked. I got a few home projects done, and enjoyed having all this time to myself. It was great. Then 11:30 rolled around and I tried to get some sleep. All of a sudden I started over thinking my condition and what it meant, if I was being too dramatic and if I needed help at all. And thinking I didn't want to talk to anyone about this because even if I did it wouldn't change the way I felt.

So, even though a part of me wanted to send a 'I'm scaring the shit out of myself - please help me' to everyone I knew, I just wrote it all down. Reread it, and wrote it all down again. I took some pills to help me stay calm (even though I was upset, I wasn't agitated. I just didn't want the chance of becoming too panicked and injuring myself. And I'm staying on my 'stay calm' pills. I know exactly how those work and I don't have side effects. I stopped taking my antidepressants).

Finally got to sleep around 3am, after locking the cat out of my spare bedroom and sleeping in there. For some reason I couldn't sleep in my new bed. The night before that, I had the worst nightmares I've ever had. I woke up screaming, crying and terrified, and I was seeing things. Things trying to get in through my window. I've never seen things that weren't there before and that got me scared all over again. So, I slept in my spare room, on my old futon, curled up in a little ball and tried to stay calm.

Naturally, since I don't sleep well on the futon, I didn't get up for my morning run. I kinda knew that would happen. So I've schedule my run for after work. I can't miss it, because I have a 3 mile run to do tomorrow.

I don't want to psych myself out, but I'm slightly worried about this weekend. I don't have anything planned and I'm not sure I want to. It might end up being one of those weekends I stay in my house.  But I get bored sitting around and watching Hulu. Maybe I'll walk around for hours, as long as I don't have to talk to anyone. I just don't want to see anyone, because I don't want anyone to know how scared I am. I don't want advice, I don't want to see a doctor, I just want to deal with it.

Because in the end, I'm alone in this. Doctors leave you, men claim to love you and then take everything you give and leave you broken and scared.  Friends try to help, but they have their lives; their own problems, hopes, and dreams. I don't want to be a negative person in their life. If I'm gonna be around them, I want to be the best version of myself. They're not going to be around to see me at my worst, and they (have hope for me) but ultimately want me to act my best around them. And sometimes I just can't.

The only person who is going to be there when I fail is me. So I have the right to handle it however I want. Maybe when I get another job (since I have hospital bills taking up 1/4 of my salary) I won't have time to worry about this anymore...I won't have to worry about making plans with friends because they'll be too busy and so will I.

Just keep running girl. That's the best thing you can do for yourself now.

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