|This image has nothing to do with this post; |
except that it makes me happy.
I'm feeling alright, and trying to keep it that way. I quit smoking on Friday and have been doing great since then; staying away from triggers and talking to myself logically when I'm having a craving:
-"This isn't going to fix the thing you're stressing out about."
-"You will be setting yourself further back, running-wise."
Usually the first reason fixes any craving I'm having. Because it's true. Inhaling tar and smoke and getting a mini-high from the nicotine will not fix the boredom I'm experiencing, or the frustration I'm having for myself. And as long as I don't give up and just say 'Well fuck, at least I tried,' I think I can do this. Most times in the past when I 'quit' and then started up again where situations when I just threw my hands up in the air in frustration and thought 'It doesn't matter because everything I'm doing sucks anyway!' Taking care of myself wasn't a priority anymore because I just sucked so I might as well just pile on the suck that I was.
Fighting depression doesn't leave a lot of willpower for quitting a nasty habit.
But I'm doing ok. And I'm trying so, so, SO hard to be nice to myself and not call myself an idiot for anything and everything.
I've been doing some CBT work with my new therapist, as well as some work understanding the trauma I experienced and how to deal with it. All in all, it's helping and I really think it's making a difference in how I view myself.